The Snowstorm, the Camera, and the Career Change.

I stepped outside my apartment and I swore I could smell spring in the air. It was for the first time that year I had caught a glimpse of the spring season. The first sign was that the morning had come earlier than usual. The skies were still covered with a thin veil of grayness; and yet, there was still a sense of something new. There was brightness and I smelled freshness in the air. Snow began to fall soon after that. It wasn’t what I had anticipated, but it was angelic looking.

I took advantage of the snowfall. I set up my new, but actually heavily used, film camera to test it for the first time. It was a replacement. My first film camera that I had ever loved was stolen out of my car in Portland. The lack of the camera was not a change I was willing to get comfortable with. I had quickly made it my mission to fiscally find a way to replace it. The one I found was six dollars at my local thrift store, it was something to fill the void.

The first day of snow always reminds me of getting out of school. I graduated from high school a little over five years ago. So much has changed for me in that time. I finished college, I moved out for the first time, I even had the chance to travel outside of the country. I have had all kinds of jobs, interviewed for even more. My parents are selling my childhood home and moving to the coast. All of this change has defined my life recently.

The day turned out to be windy, just like the night my car was broken into. I set off through my neighborhood aimlessly, looking for inspiration. My shoes didn’t stay dry and I fell on the sidewalk. These are the problems I chose to have during this time of change. I could have stayed inside. Facing change is inevitable, it stops for no one. Change doesn’t slow down to make sure everyone is ready. It can happen at the most inconvenient time. The uncertainty of what is to become of a situation builds in our minds and slows down action. I could sit with the idea that I'm lacking spring, or I could appreciate the gain of a few more days of winter.

Change forces us into making choices when we don’t necessarily have all of the answers. If we don’t take the change of the seasons in stride, the power of choice goes away. There are moments over the past five years that happened to me instead of me taking initiative. Moments where the fear of change was controlling me, and I was not embracing the change. I chose what seemed right, most comfortable, minimal growth. I did not see all change as an opportunity, it looked more like a speed bump on the road to nowhere. So, I was appreciative of the snow and the calm pace it brought in. I was able to put my energy into finishing my website. It has been a work in progress for a couple of months. It was yet another change I am facing. This is one I am actually pursuing.

More came from having my camera stolen than just replacing it. I realized that using my camera brought me insane amounts of joy. Not only that, photography is something I have always gravitated back to. If it had not been stolen, I may not have made the choice to take it more seriously.

On my walk I saw families sledding, a soccer team warming up, and abandoned cars on the side of the road. Most of the snow was still untouched. I went out at sunset. I could see light beams in the air created from the powdery layers of snow getting whisked off by the wind. It was like the gusts were ushering the snow out as soon as it had got comfortable. That is what change does.

Earlier in the week, I went through my childhood keepsakes. My parents are organizing everything before their move. Underneath all of the finger paints and art projects was my senior binder from high school. It was almost maddening that my project was to make a photography blog. In one of my essays, I gave the reason why I decided to pursue a marketing degree instead of photojournalism. The answer didn’t even sound like me. I have sympathy for the younger Rachel. It was clear I was ignoring what I wanted myself, or at least what I was actually curious about. Five years later, with a marketing degree, tiny bank account, and one stolen camera, I have finally decided to pursue my photography and writing.

Once I had my heart set on it, signs kept pointing to keep going. Not only did my family and I resurface school work, we unearthed all of my grandfather’s camera equipment. No one in my family knew the extent of it, but turns out there are eleven film cameras to revive, learn, and use. It felt like the universe was opening a door and saying, “Go for it.”

The sun was going down and so was the temperature. The melted snow turned into a skating rink. I stayed in the powder to avoid any more falls. I was born and raised where winter conditions like this are common. I was ready for a change of pace. I am going to put all my effort into taking my writing and photography on the move. I dream of traveling with my work. My first stop will be Bali. While this may sound like a broken record, I think I will find my stride there. I would rather choose to pursue this and fail, than ignore this side of me for the next five years.

There have been so many outside voices influencing where I should put my talents. I have tried many different roles, different environments, and it never satisfies my entrepreneurial spirit. I think I need to create something of my own. Share my own stories. Embrace this season of change to completely launch into something new. I am unsatisfied with my current state - geographically, mentally, physically, and emotionally. I am going to start making choices so my life reflects what makes me the happiest.

My heart was set on seeing a snowy sunset. I hadn’t anticipated how much harder it would be to navigate the sidewalk at dusk. The neighborhood was winding down, everyone was heading inside. It quickly became a ghost town. It was almost scary how silent everything was. I walked without music the whole way home.

Navigating through the dark with just my camera struck a few chords of fear and fun. I thought about how absolutely thrilling it is to start to align my present life, to my vision of the future. The exhilaration that comes from imagining a far-fetched reality, and the absolute terror that swells inside when taking action to achieve it. It is the kind of choices that change the course of someone's life. I want the next five years to be something I seize, not let roll on by. I have to choose happiness, which feels a lot like choosing uncertainty. Fear can manipulate us into closing ourselves in. I thought a lot about what scares me. I think most of it is imagining myself completely happy. Achieving everything I am aiming for. It gives me a seething cramp through my entire core. On the other side, the fear of not achieving it, is getting in the way of trying at all. So I had to change.

Being completely alone on this walk home, it made me wonder if every person on this planet is just as terrified of enjoying themselves, or if it was just me. My fear is to become a successful writer and photographer, which arguably sounds fun. Whether it's as complicated as changing careers and moving, or as simple as telling the person you like you have feelings for them, it is all fear of change. Perhaps, all I have to choose is what I’m most scared of. It boils down to staying the same and riding it out, or following what gives me the pit in my stomach. Whether it works out or not, I am choosing this. In hindsight, I am scared of it all; although I'm currently living with my sister and her boyfriend and it is not ideal, this change is not something that is being forced on me - I am craving it. The biggest luxury in life is the power to pick the problems you have to deal with. This change is my newest problem, my newest opportunity.

The snow lasted for a few days. The magic isn’t as strong once it starts to melt. The veil is lifted and life resumes. Sidewalks fill up and cars whir by. Spring may not be here yet, but there is still plenty of transformation to be had. I developed the film. I am looking forward to trying out all of my new gear, as well. It is a journey that is like my walk in the snow, one I hope to share.

Thinking of you,

Rachel